Why Arguing Rarely Works (And What to Do Instead)
Picture this: You're enjoying dinner with friends. Everyone’s having a good time when suddenly, one of them starts expressing political views that make your blood boil.
Your heart races, your jaw clenches, and you're itching to launch into a passionate rebuttal.
In these moments, we often feel a powerful impulse to set things right, to make our case, and to bring others around to our point of view.
But here’s the thing. The more we try to ‘force’ people to ‘our’ way of thinking, the more resistant they’ll be.
So what do we do when we feel the urge?
Should we just be silent? Say nothing?
How can we create understanding or meet our need for justice and fairness?
Let’s take a look at this Sufi Comic:
Art by Charbak Dipta
“…and reason with them in a way that is best…” Quran (16:125)
When we see something going wrong or problems in the world, our first instinct is often to push back—to force others to see things our way.
This approach comes from an assumption that the world operates solely through external cause and effect.
We believe that without "external force," there can be no change.
But when we deepen our spirituality, we begin to recognize that there's more to our world than meets the eye.
We start to see that the way things operate often goes beyond simple linear cause and effect.
Change can happen in mysterious ways that defy our understanding. This realization opens up new ways of bringing about change.
From Coercion to Connection
So, how can we create lasting change in this world?
The key lies in shifting our approach from force to connection.
Instead of thinking, "They're obviously wrong, I'm right. They need to change to come to the right way," we can start by asking ourselves:
What's it like to be the other person?
What experiences shaped their perspective?
What values or beliefs are they trying to uphold?
This shift in mindset helps us build a genuine connection.
When people feel understood and connected, they're far more open to hearing other points of view.
And when they're open to different perspectives, they're naturally more receptive to change—at their own pace and in their own way.
The Power of Leading by Example
Another powerful way to inspire change is by embodying it ourselves.
When we lead with integrity and demonstrate the change we wish to see, something remarkable happens.
People observe the beauty in our actions and words, and they're inspired to adopt new perspectives and behaviors.
This approach creates a lasting impact.
Even when we're not present, the effect of our "lesson" remains, and others develop an internal motivation to continue with this new way of looking at the world.
Balancing External Action and Internal Change
It's important to note that this approach doesn't mean we never take strong external action.
There are times when we need to speak up and assert ourselves or applying pressure is necessary.
The key is to recognize that these are tools in our toolkit, not the only way to create change.
By balancing external action with efforts to create internal change through connection and understanding, we create a more holistic and effective approach to making a difference in the world.
How Connection Changes Us Too
When we focus on connecting with people instead of trying to change their minds, something amazing happens. It's not just about helping others – we end up helping ourselves too.
Think about it. When we really try to understand someone else:
We learn new things about complex topics we thought we had all figured out.
We get better at understanding people – including ourselves.
Our relationships improve.
So next time you're tempted to argue your point, remember: by trying to connect instead, you're not just potentially changing someone else's mind. You're giving yourself a chance to grow too.
